"Epic Movie? More like Epic Fail!"*

I really enjoy going to the cinema. I love being overwhelmed by the big screens and hearing how other people react to a film. I even kind of enjoy that slightly nauseous feeling I get after leaving the theatre having gone through a fountain sprite and bag of gummy bears (note, I am a firm believer that this feeling is part of the experience).

But, there are also only so many hours in the day and so much money in my pocket. Which are just some of the reasons I have always found a certain set of movie critics quite valuable.

I say certain set because I don't find all critics valuable to me personally. It is not because they are poor writers or bad critics, its just that they don't help me pick movies to watch. In some sense, I look for critics that have similar sensibilities as I do, this way I know that if they liked a film, I probably will too.

Another important function that movie critics serve involves highlighting lesser known films that I might otherwise miss. I always enjoy being surprised by a film, and so throwing a little less conventional fare into the mix is always helpful - particularly if it is suggested by a source I trust.

With these ideas in mind, I have been thinking about helping to populate this corner of the internet with a few movie reviews of my own. If you are reading this blog, you almost certainly know me personally and so probably agree with me on at least some aspects of movie-watching taste. Perhaps you will find these reviews useful. And if you don't, you are free to share regarding where our opinions differ. Or mock me as is probably more likely.

Anyways, before I write anything of my own, I thought I'd share a lineup of critics and movie sites I usually pay attention to. The first is Brian D. Johnson who writes for Maclean's. I initially became a reader mostly because my parents used to have a Maclean's subscription. However, I find of all critics I have encountered, his interests lie closest to me. He also tends to spotlight Canadian filmakers I might otherwise miss due to the poor job that we as a nation do of celebrating our own films. You can check out his work on his blog.

Keeping with the Canadian theme, I also like the work of Alan Bacchus at Daily Film Dose. He has been writing that blog for a few years now with the idea being that he publishes a movie review every day. He is also not a bad ballplayer, which I know first-hand having played against him in a men's league a few years back.

Mostly due to the fact that I spend quite a bit of time scouring Slate, I have also gotten into the habit of checking out the work of Dana Stevens. Of all the people listed here, I probably agree with her the least, but its nice to have a contrasting point of view. I ain't just lookin' for yes men in my critic blog-roll.

I am also pleased that Will Leitch has started routinely adding movie reviews to his site. I still don't know what a Tumblr blog is, but I like this one. Leitch is much more famous from his work in the sports blogosphere, but I find his movie articles quite perceptive. I certainly appreciate the fact that everything he writes emanates how much he enjoys doing what he is doing.

Finally, I have recently been getting into Roger Ebert's site which certainly offers a lot more than just movie reviews. He certainly knows what he is talking about and has a wealth of information there on the site that I'm sure, at the very least, will help you procrastinate.

So stay tuned for some of reviews which I hopefully will eventually write. I expect that I won't just tackle new films, as I plan to mention some older movies that catch my eye as well. After all, that is what rental stores are for.

* Note, I did not actually see Epic Movie and never intend to do so. I don't usually like judging a movie completely by its trailer, but that movie just looks awful. If I ever do see Epic Movie, I can only imagine it is because I am being tortured or lost a bet. Anyways, I just thought this was a hilariously terrible headline for a review of that movie. A quick google search shows that I am not the only one who thought of this tagline. I think that is a good sign that I will not be adding anything particularly noteworthy to the world film criticism.

On Cannibalism

A lot has happened since I last wrote something on this here blog. The Jays started playing terribly and ditched Rolen and Rios. I took a 2 and a half week vacation in Toronto. I went to the Edmonton Folk Festival. My bloody Master's thesis keeps on dragging on.

I'll cover some of these topics and others in the future, but probably won't be able to write longer pieces for a few weeks (much to your surprise I'm sure). However, on the advice of a wise man, I will try to use this space as a way to clear my head of science when I find myself stuck during my thesis writing. These posts will be shorter and more comedic (at least, that will be the attempt) than most of my work in the past. This is one such post.

A friend of mine has been trying out the online dating scene and recently joined a new site which tries to match people based on the results of a survey. I have no idea if this is the site often advertised on the television; I have not asked. What I do know is that one of the questions in the survey he completed is as follows:

If you were offered the opportunity to eat human meat prepared any way you like, would you at least try it?

* Yes
* No
* Only as a last resort for survival.

Now this question is hilarious for a myriad of reasons, including a large number of inside jokes that I will not go into here. However, something about that last selection struck me because of the stated opportunity to have the "human meat prepared any way you like." How exactly would this situation come about?

I'm sure I'm not the only one whose mind immediately goes to planes crash-landing in the Andes when the topic of cannibalism comes up*. Apparently, planes never crash in any other mountain ranges, or at least no other mountain ranges inspire cannibalism. Anyways, let us run with the Andes situation for the moment.

As the survey question allows us to have the human meat anyway we want, clearly one of our fellow passengers - specifically the non-dead ones, although I suppose we might only be able to count on our undead fellow passengers - must include say, the Iron Chefs. And when the Iron Chefs travel, they (obviously) bring along all necessary spices and cooking apparatus with them in case of such an emergency. As such, our (possibly zombie) Iron Chef friends have access to a fully functional stove, grill, deep-fryer, etc. and an army of assistants (who may or may not also be zombies). This assortment of apparatus were unharmed in the plane crash. Since they can't run on electricity, they must all run on propane, of which there is an abundance (it is preposterous to believe otherwise). The Iron Chefs, because of their love of cooking, will then happily make you a four or five course meal of your choosing, with the not so secret ingredient of human flesh. Personally, I would avoid the flesh of the undead (except perhaps as a garnish), but you are free to do as you like.

Regardless, I think that we have answered the question of whether a situation may arise in which you have to eat human meat to survive but are given the option of eating it in any way you want, with a resounding yes. For any employee of the aforementioned dating site who stumbles across this blog post (or perhaps is already one of my many many readers), I offer a pre-emptive "you're welcome" for devising a situation that will help you make your survey question more concrete. You should start mailing me the royalty checks as soon as possible. Same goes for anyone who wants to make my "zombie Iron Chef crash-landed in the Andes cannibal" story into a movie. Keep in mind, the existence of this blog post will make any lawsuits really easy.

* Note: this assertion is not completely true. I often think of a particular Kids in the Hall sketch seen here.